Ultimate Punishment

Dear Citizens,

I have heard some questions circulating as to whether or not Ultimate Punishment is an actual threat to you.

It is.

Let me explain further as to what it is.

But first, we must discuss crimes and their severity. We'll start with the least severe and work our way up.

Spaghetti Squash Degree Crime: Not too bad, obviously you still shouldn't do them though. We'll usually go easy on you for these... They can be classified as "gray areas" sometimes. Some examples are coughing in people's hair, having a messy home on Inspection Day (after all, you had notice), and being a Merry Andrew. Typical punishments include two hours of Community service and a standard Annoyance Fee.

Sapsucker Degree Crime: A bit worse, though still not horribly serious. Examples include Public Tomfoolery (in Tomfoolery-Free areas), pickpocketing, and disrupting Atlantean Holidays. Punishment usually includes the same as Spaghetti Squash Degree crimes as well as a three page essay on Civil Behavior.

Elbow Degree Crime: This is where things get a bit worse. Some examples include reading Twilight, Petty Theft, leaving socks in the City Fountain, or Senseless (Though Not Serious) Violence. Punishment for these crimes include a Double Annoyance Fee, a trip to Anger Management Class, and a two page essay on Why Rudeness is Bad.

Hobgoblin Degree Crime: Worse. Much worse. Examples are Senseless (And Serious) Violence, possession of Contraband Items, refusal to comply with Atlantean Declarations, or Unauthorized Espionage. Punishment includes a long trip to the Anger Management Class, extensive fining, and possibly even revocation of Pie Privileges.

Anemone AKA GICBYDT (Goodness I Cannot Believe You Did That) Degree Crime: Pretty much the highest level of Crime. Wrongdoings Against Your Fellow Man, abuse of Library books, soggy waffles, and use of the word "relish" are examples. The Highest Crime in this category of Highest Crimes is... Speaking out* against White Collar, and specifically Neal Caffrey. Punishment for the above crimes is... Ultimate Punishment**.

Now, to explain Ultimate Punishment**.

It begins with a Heavy Fine. Very heavy. In fact, the paper the number is written on weighs over fifteen pounds in order to hold all the numbers. (Obviously this is in Atlantean Standard Dollars).

Next, a pair of very... shall we say "cheery" guards will escort you to the Happy Therapy Club, where you will attend three hour sessions for at least four days.

After your Therapy Club time, you will join me for dinner, where you and I will have an extensive "chat" about Neal Caffrey, by the end of which you will be convinced of his amazingness. At least you'd better be.

Once dinner is over, you will probably be tired. So you will be allowed to sleep until Happy Therapy Club the next morning. But it will certainly be a troubled sleep as your conscience eats away at you.

Then you will be fortunate enough to be a fitting model for the new Deluxe!Chicken Suit. It is a joy to see oneself in a chicken suit, to be sure.

Over the next three days you will have opportunities to have a couple more chats with me, more Happy Therapy Club sessions, and time for a lot of essay-writing and Community service. General Anger Management classes or Rudeness Prevention Courses will likely be included.

At the end of the mandatory four days, you will be given a test that will assess whether or not you are ready to re-enter society. If you fail the test, you will be kept back. If you pass, you will be released after a session with a Financial Manager who will help you find a way to pay off the Heavy Fine.

If you answer every question correctly but the last one, you will be failed. The last question, of course, is this:

Is Neal Caffrey Amazing? (Yes) (No)

Those who circle no have a White Collar marathon in their futures...

But, anyway, Ultimate Punishment isn't pleasant. Happy Therapy Club... isn't actually that Happy.

Have a nice day.

Holly Watson
Supreme Ruler
Atlantis

*Atlantis isn't a Democracy. If I say you like something, you like it. Or at the very least you pretend to. Or at the very very least you keep your mouth shut about your negative opinions.

**Your Supreme Ruler reserves the right to give out Ultimate Punishment for any crime (with approval from a very biased Jury, of course), and also to wave punishment when she sees fit.